Smelly Coder Sues for Emotional Damage
A Californian man, Sam Carax, is suing his employer for emotional distress, claiming ruthless critiques have caused severe stress and depression impairing his ability to perform his job and creating a hostile work environment.
Carax has been in charge of development of proprietary software at Bobby Brothers Inc for the past 25 years. With the recent death of Jimmy Bobby, his son Ricky has stepped up hoping to bring a fresh perspective to the business. Ricky once attended an Agile seminar.
"It all started with the first code review session chaired by Ricky," a tearful Sam related, "at some point in the meeting he pointed to some code and blatantly said, 'this smells.' I looked where his finger was pointing and saw that it was a procedure that I had written."
Mr. Carax was surprised, as Ricky's father, the revered Mr. Jimmy Bobby, had never resorted to ad hominen remarks in the previous twenty-five years. "At first I tried to take this as constructive criticism," Mr. Carax related, "making sure I did not set my extra-garlic gyro on the code printouts, washing my hands after any encounter with Zelda in accounting. I even resorted to spraying Febrezetm on my printouts just before meetings."
None of this was any good. "Ricky started saying that more and more things smelled, especially my code."
It is reported that Mr. Bobby used the 'S' word frequently and for many things that apparently earned his displeasure. "But," stated Mr. Carax, "he used it about my code more than anything. I began dreading going to work, convinced that within moments of arriving I would be told my code smelled. It became impossible not to take it personal - to start believing that I smelled, smelled so bad that it infected every line of code I typed (even if I wore those little plastic gloves, like surgeons do)."
"It finally became clear that Ricky was creating a hostile workplace. Attempting to defend himself, Ricky Bobby claimed that 'smell was just a metaphor' and it was not even his. Someone named Grandma Beck was to blame. When it was pointed out that Grandma Beck was referring to diapers and a smell that was in no way metaphorical, Mr. Bobby was dumbfounded.
Certified Scrum Deity Announced
Finally, the Certified Scrum Deity (CSD) is now available!
We were unable to speak directly with the creator who was said to be either extremely busy or resting. We were able to learn that direct friends of the creator will be exempt from any coursework and instantly god-fathered in as CSDs. All others will be asked to offer up their soul as partial payment for the certification, the rest of the payment must be in unmarked bills.
CSDs will be asked to step completely away from any real work as part of their rite-of-passage from secular mortal to Scrum god. The transition itself is arduous - aspiring CSDs will be required to read one short book and will have to endure at least two full days of the painfully obvious.
We are told that a newly anointed CSD will be so enlightened that his or her message will not be understood by the average Scrummer. There is talk of a Certified Scrum Translator to overcome this potential problem, but since the CST acronym is already widely used (at least in Denver), progress has slowed.
Further investigation exposed that those who have learned the secret rituals of the CSD process have mysteriously vanished. Unconfirmed rumors say they were captured by bald men in black shirts or that they have been teleported to Scrum-halla. We do know the course instills a CSD with the attributes of omnipresence and omniscience. The CSD therefore instantly knows what every team needs and should do; even if they cannot communicate that knowledge. Teams ignore the CSD at their own peril - excommunication from the Alliance - becoming lost souls floating in the realm of software purgatory - is a known outcome of CSD ignorance.